Seven Tips for Successful Step Parenting

Step parenting can be a joy. It can also be, let's face it, a pain in the rear. If you are entering a new marriage with a spouse who already has children, you may find yourself up against some challenges. Here are a few tips that, no matter what your situation, will help you create a positive stepparenting environment:

• Take it slow. Don't expect your stepchild to love you immediately, and don't push to be liked. You do have to build a relationship of trust and respect with a child first. Remember that the child already has two parents, and he or she probably doesn't feel the need for a third (or fourth). Respect your stepchild's emotional space, while letting them know that you are there for them if they need you. Be patient; it will take time.

• Make yourself available. It's important for a child to know that you are easily accessible and responsive to them. Putting down the book, turning off your favorite show, shutting the laptop and focusing on them when they reach out is important...it reinforces that you consider them FAMILY. Let them know that you are willing to spend your time on them, whether it be helping with homework, playing a game, taking them to a sleepover, or just sharing some laughter.

• Pick your battles. Some things aren't worth getting into a power struggle over. Decide what is really important and what is not. Stand your ground on those important things; for the other, smaller stuff, compromise may be the smarter solution. Be able to admit that you're human, just like everyone else; be ready to not ALWAYS be right. Honesty from an adult goes a long way with a child, much further than a power play.

• Create a united front. Have open, frank discussions with your spouse about the joint approach you two will take. Discuss your individual parenting styles, approaches to discipline, and get on the SAME PAGE. Presenting a united front with your stepchild's biological parent is a key element to successfully creating the cohesive family atmosphere you're aiming for.

• Know when to step back. Although it is important to create a united front and be consistent with rules and discipline between you and your spouse, sometimes it is best to step back and let the biological parent take the lead. Realizing when to assume more of a supporting role can be beneficial for the stepparent relationship as well as your relationship with your spouse.

• Don't badmouth the ex. Building a relationship with you, maintaining loyalty to their biological parent--children are bound to feel torn between the two. Making negative comments about the ex-spouse will only serve to damage the respect and trust you are attempting to build with your stepchild. And it may end up creating a fear of your possible intent to "replace" the biological parent.

• Offer unconditional love. Children of divorce (or parental death) need to feel safe, secure, and loved no matter what. Let your stepchildren know that you appreciate them, that you value their feelings and opinions, that you are someone they can rely on regardless of what your differences may be. And although it may be a gradual process, offer affection. Kids need to know that it is available to them if and when they need it.

It's tempting to sometimes take the easy road and distance ourselves from our stepchildren when things get difficult. The challenge, as a stepparent, is being present and actively involved in our new family dynamic--while remaining open, honest, and respectful. Ultimately, the goal is mutual love and respect. And a little laughter never hurts.