Postpartum Depression: Are Gender Roles a Culprit?

Postpartum depression can affect as many as 25% of women after childbirth. Symptoms can occur anytime in the first year after giving birth; they can include sadness, hopelessness, guilt, inadequacy, increased anxiety, panic attacks--to name a few. Sign me up! Possible causes are thought to be life stress, low social support, poor marital relationships, childcare stress, among others. What could all of these causes have in common? Could it possibly have anything to do with gender roles in our society? Although we have come a long way, baby, we are still very traditional when it comes to raising a family. Expectations of a mother are to be the child-rearer, while a father is expected to bring home a paycheck. Let's face it--as progressive as we'd like to think we are, we have not strayed far from this formula in our society. But what is this doing to a quarter of our new mothers? Picture this: You give birth to your first child. When that baby arrives, life as you know it changes forever. You are no longer the master of your fate; now, someone else decides when you sleep, when you eat, when you go to the grocery store or the gym. Your days of indulgent selflessness are over; there is a new decision-maker in the house. And that can be wonderful for some women. It can also be utterly overwhelming, guilt-inducing, exhausting, panic-striking. If you have a partner there by your side, or splitting that huge responsibility with you on a daily basis, that can make the burden more bearable. If not, how do you adjust to the huge life change? On your own? For mothers, this change is on a much larger scale than for fathers. New mothers are expected to adjust happily to this radical change, while perhaps the fathers' lives remain much less affected. What if that adjustment is overwhelming? What if that mother has little support from her partner? What if that father is off earning the necessary paycheck, while the mother is feeling upheaved and overwhelmed at home, with this tiny creature who has drastically altered her life for good? Many women are not happy in the primary-caregiver, stay-at-home mom role, but are perhaps fearful of saying so...because of what society might think of them. Similarly, many men may feel unhappy in their breadwinner roles, yet afraid to voice those feelings. If women felt more social freedom to be open about their resentment for the traditional role they are now expected to play, to express their desire for shared "custody" of child-rearing responsibilities, perhaps those numbers of Postpartum Depression sufferers might take a dip. Perhaps if old expectations could be lightened, some of that depression could be alleviated. Likewise, perhaps if men felt less pressure to be sole providers, more societal acceptance to share the weight of the stay-at-home load...if we felt socially encouraged to buck gender roles and create parenting situations that work for the parents involved...what positive effects could it have for those moms feeling so overwhelmed and inadequate? Mothers carry a heavy burden of gender expectations. When it comes to the high numbers of mothers who suffer from Postpartum Depression, perhaps this model is worth looking at. Perhaps worth tweaking.

Seven Tips for Successful Step Parenting

Step parenting can be a joy. It can also be, let's face it, a pain in the rear. If you are entering a new marriage with a spouse who already has children, you may find yourself up against some challenges. Here are a few tips that, no matter what your situation, will help you create a positive stepparenting environment:

• Take it slow. Don't expect your stepchild to love you immediately, and don't push to be liked. You do have to build a relationship of trust and respect with a child first. Remember that the child already has two parents, and he or she probably doesn't feel the need for a third (or fourth). Respect your stepchild's emotional space, while letting them know that you are there for them if they need you. Be patient; it will take time.

• Make yourself available. It's important for a child to know that you are easily accessible and responsive to them. Putting down the book, turning off your favorite show, shutting the laptop and focusing on them when they reach out is important...it reinforces that you consider them FAMILY. Let them know that you are willing to spend your time on them, whether it be helping with homework, playing a game, taking them to a sleepover, or just sharing some laughter.

• Pick your battles. Some things aren't worth getting into a power struggle over. Decide what is really important and what is not. Stand your ground on those important things; for the other, smaller stuff, compromise may be the smarter solution. Be able to admit that you're human, just like everyone else; be ready to not ALWAYS be right. Honesty from an adult goes a long way with a child, much further than a power play.

• Create a united front. Have open, frank discussions with your spouse about the joint approach you two will take. Discuss your individual parenting styles, approaches to discipline, and get on the SAME PAGE. Presenting a united front with your stepchild's biological parent is a key element to successfully creating the cohesive family atmosphere you're aiming for.

• Know when to step back. Although it is important to create a united front and be consistent with rules and discipline between you and your spouse, sometimes it is best to step back and let the biological parent take the lead. Realizing when to assume more of a supporting role can be beneficial for the stepparent relationship as well as your relationship with your spouse.

• Don't badmouth the ex. Building a relationship with you, maintaining loyalty to their biological parent--children are bound to feel torn between the two. Making negative comments about the ex-spouse will only serve to damage the respect and trust you are attempting to build with your stepchild. And it may end up creating a fear of your possible intent to "replace" the biological parent.

• Offer unconditional love. Children of divorce (or parental death) need to feel safe, secure, and loved no matter what. Let your stepchildren know that you appreciate them, that you value their feelings and opinions, that you are someone they can rely on regardless of what your differences may be. And although it may be a gradual process, offer affection. Kids need to know that it is available to them if and when they need it.

It's tempting to sometimes take the easy road and distance ourselves from our stepchildren when things get difficult. The challenge, as a stepparent, is being present and actively involved in our new family dynamic--while remaining open, honest, and respectful. Ultimately, the goal is mutual love and respect. And a little laughter never hurts.

Using EMDR with Children

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) was originally developed to work with adults suffering from PTSD or a history of trauma. It has been used to great effect in this arena; many adults have reaped the benefits of reprocessing painful memories and gained a more balanced outlook on their lives. So what about using the same techniques with children? Most kids get stuck in their own development, even in very small ways. Children, even from happy healthy families, will experience frightening or humiliating events. Getting bullied at school. Seeing a scary movie and developing an intense fear. Being humiliated in the classroom or on the soccer field. Those experiences can then cause a child to develop negative beliefs about themselves: "I'm no good at math; I can't make friends; I freeze under pressure; I'm not safe." We, as adults, can often identify these obstacles...kids, on the other hand, don't yet have that foresight. But the great advantage for kids is that they are much less defended than adults; they haven't had years to set these patterns in stone; they are able to reprocess these beliefs much more quickly than most adults. Result: short-term therapy! Children who have experienced trauma, such as suffering or witnessing abuse, parental death, even divorce or separation, can make huge gains with EMDR. Instances like these may take longer to process than a case of low self-esteem; it may take longer for a child to establish a feeling of trust and safety with a therapist if he or she has experienced a major trauma. Still, children will usually respond to EMDR therapy much more rapidly than most adults. Check out this video about EMDR therapy with children: http://www.emdrinaction.com/video/does-emdr-work-children. For more information about EMDR therapy or specific child therapy issues, visit my website at www.kellymcnair.com.

Memory: How Trauma Affects Us

Memory is very malleable. In other words, we remember what we perceive. Think of an early childhood memory. Now try to remember specific details about the memory. Does that memory actually exist, or was it an event that perhaps your parents talked about often, or an event that you have a photograph of? Did your brain create a memory around that photograph or that family story? Have you ever recounted a memory to someone else, perhaps a family member, only to have them respond with, "that's not how I remember it at all"? Often our perception of a memory can change over time, as we recount the story to ourselves (or others). Our brains store memories at the developmental level at which we experience the event. For example, an event that occurs for a six-year-old gets stored at a six-year-old's level of perception....which is very different from an adult's level of perception! NORMAL memory is different from TRAUMATIC memory. Trauma is defined as any experience that has a lasting negative effect on the self or psyche. That leaves a lot of room for different levels of traumas. For instance, a "big T" trauma could be an experience of being sexually assaulted, witnessing a death, a serious car accident. A "little t" trauma could be any life event, such as being teased or bullied on the playground, failing a test, or perhaps going through a breakup. (absence of expectation) Traumatic memories get stored differently than normal memories do. When we experience a trauma, our brains get hyper-aroused. In other words, we go into "fight-or-flight" mode.... our adrenaline kicks in, our heart rates rise, our pupils dilate, we become poised for danger. By its very nature, the fight-or-flight response bypasses our rational mind, and moves us into primitive survival mode. In this state, we see everything through the filter of possible danger: our fear is exaggerated, our thinking is distorted, we may overreact to the slightest comment. At that moment, our brains are not capable of storing the experience as a normal memory. It gets processed differently than it would if we were using our rational mind; very often it can get stored dysfunctionally, as a survival-mode memory...which means that when we are reminded of it, our brains can easily get kicked back into fight-or-flight mode, causing us to "re-live" the experience with the same level of fear, physical sensations, and emotional reactions. That's why so many people who have suffered traumatic events (combat, sexual assault, car accident) have a tough time dealing with the memory. Their brains didn't get the chance to process and store that memory in a functional way. Even those of us with "little t" traumas, (those everyday life stresses that can add up over time) can get to the point where our brains aren't able to process these moments into normal memory; so they get processed as traumatic memory. When we're in this constantly hypervigilant state of mind, we can't relax; we can't calm down and simply be....we are always on guard for danger. Who wants to live like that? Luckily, memory is malleable. We can learn to reshape the way we perceive traumatic events, our brains can reprocess those memories so that we can have a healthier way of keeping them stored in our long-term memories. There are several ways of going about this process; therapy is one of them. Cognitive-behavioral therapies, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR can all assist in retraining our brains to "unstick" those stuck memories of traumatic experiences. For more information on therapy and trauma, visit www.trauma-pages.com/support.php.

EMDR: What the heck is it?

EMDR is all over the news these days, proving to be effective with war veterans and trauma patients. But what is it, exactly? How does it work?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a powerful and effective therapeutic technique that has proven very successful in helping people who suffer from trauma, anxiety, panic, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and many other emotional difficulties. Research shows that EMDR is the most effective and rapid method for healing PTSD.

EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation (such as right-left eye movements or auditory stimuli), which repeatedly activates both sides of the brain at the same time. This allows us to access both brain hemispheres to recall traumatic memories, and perhaps reprocess them in a healthier way.

When traumatic events occur, sometimes our brains cannot properly process and digest what is happening. The memory of the event gets "stuck" in one area of our brain. By stimulating both sides of the brain simultaneously, while recalling the traumatic moment (and the emotions associated with it) in a safe environment, the memory gets the chance to be redistributed properly in the brain, or reprocessed. This allows us to store a healthier, resolved memory of the event, which results in more positive emotions surrounding it. This neurophysiological healing process then frees us to focus on our current existence, rather than being "stuck" in the past.

Scientifically speaking, we don't know exactly how EMDR works. We also don't know exactly how antidepressants work, but they obviously do work for many people. There are several theories about how EMDR works: the idea that the eye movements imitate what happens in REM sleep, which is when our brains do much of our memory processing; the idea that simply using both sides of the brain at the same time allows our rational minds and our primitive minds to work in conjunction with each other; the idea that traumatic memories get stored in our short-term memory, and EMDR allows them to be redistributed into our long-term memory. There isn't yet enough research to prove any of these theories, but plenty of PTSD sufferers and trauma victims have reported positive, healing results.

One of the greatest things about EMDR therapy is that it can work for anyone, not simply for people suffering from PTSD or past trauma. EMDR is useful for daily life issues, current stress issues, relationship issues, career issues, even chronic pain issues. EMDR can work for what might seem unworkable to you.

Visit www.kellymcnair.com for more resources on EMDR and other therapy information.